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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27641449">paper thin</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeku/pseuds/taeku'>taeku</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Allow me [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Internal Monologue, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Reflection, just boys in love, vague mention of past abuse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 22:41:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,999</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27641449</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeku/pseuds/taeku</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Johnny runs through the city, between people and cars, and feels light. Small, he smiles to himself, lets the cold caress his skin and clear his mind from his thoughts. Johnny needs to learn how to accept a lot of things, but he believes he’s on his way. For good, this time.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Suh Youngho | Johnny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Allow me [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675609</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>paper thin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>johnwin runs in my head rent free and i missed them so here we are<br/>inspiration taken from the songs pov -ariana grande and career day - keaton heanson <br/>hope you enjoy this little something</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s cold outside when Johnny gets out.</p>
<p>It’s cold and it penetrates his sweatshirt in seconds, but he doesn’t mind. Johnny likes the cold because it keeps him focused, keeps him awake and thinking. He does that a lot, lately. The thinking. Even more than usual. He doesn’t know if it’s a good or bad thing yet, but it doesn’t ruin things like it used to, so it’s good enough for now.</p>
<p>Johnny goes for his morning run today, and he feels light. Light in a way he hadn’t felt in years, probably. When he woke up this morning, it still felt like a dream, the warmness of Sicheng’s body against him and the emptiness in his chest. The good kind of emptiness. So Johnny went with that, let the emptiness swallow him all, allowing him to breath like a normal person again.</p>
<p>He looked at Sicheng, still asleep beside him. Looked at his half-opened mouth, the small frown of his brows, the redness on his cheeks. Johnny looked at Sicheng and felt warm, calm, safe. And it’s crazy to him, unbelievable, to feel that way with someone. He didn’t think he would have the chance to, not after what he went through, not after what was said and done to him.</p>
<p>As Johnny runs, he forces himself to think about the past. He forces himself to remember so that he could compare. Compare that Sicheng wasn’t like his ex, that the situation he’s in right now isn’t the situation he was years ago. Johnny forces himself to face the progress he’s done, even if it’s hard and he doesn’t always believe in it.</p>
<p>Johnny went through hell and came back. On good days, it’s hard. On bad days, he feels like his skin is too tight for his body and his brain too big for his head and giving up to pain and sadness the path to peace. Sicheng’s been there for most of it and Johnny feels ashamed, sometimes, for showing him the bad inside his heart. He wants Sicheng to see the good side of him more than the bad, but Johnny failed at that.</p>
<p>He failed at being bright to Sicheng yet he never left him. Stayed and stayed and stayed until Johnny got back on his feet. And Johnny was confused as to why Sicheng would do that, lose his time and waste his energy on a lost cause like him. He never dared ask, because the truth could have hurt him in a way he doesn’t want to even acknowledge.</p>
<p>Johnny runs and forces himself to see the colors in his life. Forces himself to see that his friends are great, and present and ready to help him at any given moment. Forces himself to see that Sicheng, good, perfect Sicheng is always by his side and never mad at him for struggling. Sicheng loves him, and Johnny forces himself to see it, to feel it, to accept it.</p>
<p>Johnny runs through the city, between people and cars, and feels light. Small, he smiles to himself, lets the cold caress his skin and clear his mind from his thoughts. Johnny needs to learn how to accept a lot of things, but he believes he’s on his way. For good, this time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sometimes, Johnny thinks Sicheng has super powers.</p>
<p>It might seem ridiculous said like this, but Johnny is a firm believer. He’s a firm believer that Sicheng has this special ability to turn minutes into hours. Like that time at Yuta’s house, when morning was breaking through and they laid on the ground, watching as the colors would change and Sicheng whispered secrets. Like that time when they went out to the Chilean restaurant a block away from Johnny’s appartement and Sicheng would talk about his day.</p>
<p>Maybe it’s in the way he talks, or uses body language, or simply breathes. Maybe it’s because Sicheng is nice to him. Maybe it’s because Johnny isn’t used to be treated with kindness, not in that type of relationship. And it’s hard to see through the clouds in front of his eyes, but Johnny tries. Each and every time, he tries and forces himself to get pass the clouds to see what’s hidden behind them.</p>
<p>Sicheng, it seems, knows Johnny better than he does himself. Or maybe he’s just too attentive, too intuitive, too caring. It seems like Johnny can’t hide anything from him, ever. And it’s annoying, so very frustrating, not being able to be your own person. Sometimes, Johnny doesn’t feel like he belongs to himself with how easy it is for Sicheng to see right through his acts.</p>
<p>Sicheng touches Johnny’s soul from the outside most time, and it hurts, but somehow, it’s the good kind of pain. The kind that allows you to express yourself after closing off, the kind that allows realisation to settle and work its magic. The pain Sicheng brings with him helps Johnny understand things about himself he refused to face, or talk about. His therapist says it can be a good thing, the realisation.</p>
<p>Johnny isn’t sure, but he knows he’s changed since Sicheng entered his life. Before, Johnny would never dare take any risks, whether it was work related or in his personal life. Sicheng brought daring with him and Johnny let him take him. Sicheng gives Johnny a freedom he never had, never thought he would have, even. And it feels good, too good to be true.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Johnny wants to get better for Sicheng.</p>
<p>Johnny wants Sicheng to be happy with him the way Johnny is happy when he’s around him, and he knows it won’t be easy. Even if Sicheng reassures him, tells him he loves him like that, Johnny is sure this isn’t enough. He wants to do more, so much more, for the person that saved him more times than not.</p>
<p>Johnny wants to love himself like Sicheng loves him. Johnny wants to see what’s so great about himself it had Sicheng want to stick around. He wants to love himself, love not only the pretty but the ugly, too, because they’re both part of him, parts he needs to accept. Johnny wants to trust himself like Sicheng does, too. He wants to have faith in himself and his capacities like Sicheng does and never fails to show.</p>
<p>Johnny is like a deep-sea diver. He finds way to breath and see the light in the darkness of his thoughts, even without hope. Because he can’t let himself fall, can’t let someone else’s actions ruin who he is. But this is what’s tricky about the situation.</p>
<p>Johnny is a character actor. He feeds himself wine and fancy dinners and big smiles so his audience would be blinded. So he would be blinding himself. It leaves him pretty good at pretending he is fine, most of the time. He’s deep, deep, deep under cover and he doesn’t look like him. Not anymore. He doesn’t remember who he was before. Just fade memories and used pictures on his mother’s walls.</p>
<p>As strong as he wishes he hadn’t, as strong as he pretends it’s not true, Johnny lost himself in someone else’s spirit and now he can’t seem to find his way back to his own. With Sicheng, he wants new paths, new words, new doors to open. He might never come back to what he was before, but he’s finding a new him, a new way of seeing himself and the life around him.</p>
<p>Johnny is still learning to love himself back, still getting used to being valued and loved without getting afraid and running away. That’s why he wished he could see himself from Sicheng’s point of view. So that he could understand why Sicheng stays, so that he could see for himself why Sicheng loves him the way he does, without all the biases of his own mind. Johnny wishes he could be Sicheng, even for just an hour.</p>
<p>He wished he could see himself from someone that loves him for him, so that he could fall in love with himself, too.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Johnny comes back home, he goes straight to the bathroom. He sweats badly and his head is burning from the cold and too many thoughts. The hot water makes him hiss, his body still freezing from the outside, but it feels nice to get the sensations back into his muscles.</p>
<p>He stays a bit under the warm of it all, lets the loud crashing of water surround him. When he gets out of the bathroom, still quiet, he slowly walks to his bedroom, cursing himself for not having thought of taking a change of clothes before leaving. Now he has to walk on a still asleep Sicheng and take the risk of waking him up.</p>
<p>But when he opens the door, brightness welcomes him. The curtains are half open, allowing the shy sunlight to come in, lazily falling on his bed. And Sicheng awaits him there, wide awake, hair a mess and a smile on his face. There’s a tray of food in front of him, on the sheets. Two cups of fuming coffee, roasted toast covered by butter and two oranges.</p>
<p>Johnny stops on his track, eyes glued on the food. His hand is hard on the door handle, knuckles turning white under the pressure.</p>
<p>“Good morning” says Sicheng, quiet, almost shy, but Johnny knows it to be sleep wearing off.</p>
<p>And he doesn’t understand, not really, what is happening. He gets it, but he also doesn’t, confused as to why and how and <em>why</em>.</p>
<p>“Why?” he asks, then, eyes still down on the food. It’s like they refuse to look further up, into Sicheng’s own eyes. It is fear, maybe, fear of the situation and the implications that come with it. A reality Johnny still finds hard to live in.</p>
<p>“I just wanted to, for you” Sicheng answers simply and Johnny breaks. Looks up at the man in his bed and stares, stares at the eyes, the cheeks, the nose, the lips. Johnny is afraid of Sicheng’s lips but loves them at the same time. Johnny loves Sicheng’s lips because they say things Johnny is too afraid to express himself. He’s afraid of them because they’re soft and nice, painless and raw.</p>
<p>Those lips never lied to him, never made him feel terrible for being who he is, only hurting with the truth they would hold. Sicheng’s lips are what grounds Johnny, what helps him see the light when his days are too dark and his thoughts too mean. Sicheng’s lips are a gift Johnny is slowly getting used to, slowly accepting into his life, slowly allowing him to learn to believe in what is his. Undeniably.</p>
<p>Johnny is paper thin and Sicheng broke him in. Ever so slowly, ever so tenderly, ever so lovingly.</p>
<p>Johnny is paper thin and Sicheng didn’t tore him apart. He loved him. So Johnny is going to do just that, too. He’s going to love Sicheng, even if it’s hard, even if it hurts and scares the shit out of him. He’s going to do all that because Sicheng deserves it and more.</p>
<p>Building a house of their own won’t be easy, but Johnny is starting to believe it is possible, with time and patience. Johnny is going to build that house for Sicheng, because he might never be able to express his feelings, but at least he can show them.</p>
<p>Johnny will love Sicheng, one day, the way he deserves to be loved, and this is a promise he makes to himself.</p>
<p>Johnny takes a sit next to Sicheng, eyes glued on his face, full of words he desperately wishes he could say. And Sicheng gets it, as he always does. Smiles at him with the corners of his lips and puts his hand on Johnny’s cheek. Soft.</p>
<p>“Eat” is what he says, eyes bright with the sunlight, and Johnny loves him a little more, a step closer to his promise.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hit me up : @__babybird_</p></blockquote></div></div>
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